Erma Bombeck Quotes

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ‘Checkout Time is 18 years.’

If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It’s too controversial.

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It’s gossip.

It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?