George Carlin Quotes

Think off-center.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

The status quo sucks.