Mark Twain Quotes

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.

I was educated once – it took me years to get over it.

Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

We Americans… bear the ark of liberties of the world.

Don’t say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.

It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.